he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
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