Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
foreskin is a definite game changer
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
Randomize
