Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Randomize
