Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Randomize
