Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
