I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
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