I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize
