First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
My breasts were aching with rage.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
Randomize
