I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
Has anyone heard from Jamie or has she actually just been having sex for 48 hours?
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
