kristin has been a bad kristin
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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