Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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