he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
Randomize
