Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
Randomize
