The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Randomize
