You made me cry and you don't even care
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
