I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
my sisters under your porch take her home
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
