We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
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