My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
Randomize
