I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
If I had your ass I would rule the world
Randomize