At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
Randomize