So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Randomize
