just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
