I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
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