Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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