a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
