All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
Randomize
