i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
false alarm. still invincible.
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
