My liver just broke up with me...
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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