I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
Hate to say it and even though I definitely have a biased opinion but I'm surprised your not, sleeping with anyone else. Good personality, charisma and amazing in the sack.
Feel free to use me as a reference.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
