why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
