Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
