There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
I took did three shots of fireball and did and handstand. When I stood up some busty slut lead me my the hand down the hall into her dorm room.
But I'm sure your having and "a monumentally better time" repeating the 12th grade
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
