So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
Randomize
