i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
Randomize
