I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
