i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
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