new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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