...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
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