I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
My boob is missing a layer of skin
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
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