70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Randomize