did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
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