Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Randomize