Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
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