lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
Randomize
