I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize
