Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Randomize
