i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
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