Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
The beer is more important than you right now.
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Randomize
