the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
honey bunches of taint.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
Can you repeat that, but with context?
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
Randomize
