I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
oh god was she eating orange peels again
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Randomize
