I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
