my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
Randomize
