highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
I believe in your delicious
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
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