i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
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