don't you miss dr. quinn: medicine woman? i do.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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