There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
