the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
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