Slut skills are useful in every country.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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